It came to my attention last year that I was not dealing very well with the impending destruction of Planet Earth. In spite of the enormous media coverage of green issues, I had done very little about my own carbon footprint, and didn't even have much of a grasp of the subject. If anything, the amount of hype around the topic only seemed to confuse me. There were so many contradictions. One minute some impressive figure like Al Gore would be telling me to switch lights off; the next, I would see the Spice Girls appearing at Live Earth, and think 'well, maybe the human race doesn't deserve anywhere to live.'
For some time I was shy about voicing this ill-informed position of mine, because the environment is one of those subjects on which ignorance often sounds like guilt. I felt that if I outed myself as a not-especially-green individual in these environmentally conscious days, it would be tantamount to admitting that I had cleared an area of Brazilian rain forest in order to stage a barbecue of endangered foods with ice sculptures flown over from Greenland. But in fact, when I began an organisation called Crap At The Environment to unite not-very-good environmentalists into moderate forms of action, the response was quite heartening. I began to think that most people are, in fact, not very good at finding time to be green, and immobilised by fear, doubt or embarrassment. See if you come into this category with this fun quiz.
HOW CRAP AT THE ENVIRONMENT ARE YOU?
You're on a plane waiting to take off. Which of these is closest to summarising your emotions?
A 'I'm pretty blase about this - I mean, I fly so often. I even flew to my son's school sports day though it's less than two minutes' walk away.'
B 'This is probably the only flight I'll take this year. Apart from the return leg, of course.'
C 'Reluctantly, I have climbed aboard this plane because my grandmother in West Virginia is critically ill, I am being presented with a Pulitzer tomorrow, and a part of the Golden Gate Bridge is being renamed after me in a ceremony on Thursday next. I am still only on this plane because I tried to swim across the Atlantic but ran out of lipids.'
Do you use non-A rated electrical appliances?
A 'I don't have a clue what you are talking about, but I hope you will stop soon.'
B 'Um, our oven is efficient I think. I remember Pamela saying something about how efficient it is. She might just have talking about how well it cooks flans and stuff. You should talk to Pamela I guess. She does most of the stuff with appliances.'
C 'I've had an efficiency check done on all my appliances, and I reduced a man in Dick Smith almost to tears by badgering him for a certificate.'
Do you leave your mobile phone charger plugged in, your TV on standby, all that kind of thing, overnight, or when you're out?
A 'Of course I do. This is 2008, mate. I suppose you'd rather we all listened to the radio and did cave paintings?'
B 'I have been known to, yes. I like the comforting sight of those little red lights when I'm trying to sleep. It's not been an easy couple of years.'
C 'No, and I threw my son out on the street for a 48-hour probation period after he repeatedly over-charged his Nokia.'
If you answered mostly Cs, you have no need to read any further; mostly As, you are a monster with no place in society. But the chances are your answers were closest to Bs: willing, good-humoured, but fairly incompetent. My aim has been to develop a watered-down form of environmentalism for people like you and myself.
Hit the jump to find out how Mark's half-hearted attempts led to a meeting with the Lean Green Machine himself, Al Gore.