Sir David Attenborough wears sandals; Prince Charles talks to plants; Al Gore looks like a waxwork; and if we dig any deeper into the world of green heroes we're rubbing shoulders with beards, lentils and people that police officers like to call "soap-dodgers".
It's fair to say that environmentalists have an image problem. For every George Clooney, with his electric cars and pedigree pigs, or Julia Roberts, who starred in Vanity Fair's recent "green" issue, there are a hundred grubby eco-warriors with all the glamour of Swampy.
Thank goodness, then, for Keeley Hazell, a 20-year-old topless model from Bromley whose assets perk up The Sun once a fortnight, and whom FHM recently named the second-sexiest woman in the world, after Keira Knightley. Keeley, who is as close to cultural icon status as any Page Three Girl since Linda Lusardi, has just become the latest "face" of the green movement.
"The environment is something I've been trying to make people aware of," she tells me, soberly. "It's something I believe in. There are environmentalists who have beards and sandals, but that doesn't mean all of us have to be like that. There are also models who are airheads; but not every model is an airhead."
You can't fault her logic. Keeley (whose surname is generally superfluous) owes her standing to the Tory leader David Cameron, who included her in his Christmas list of "Environmental Heroes for 2006", alongside Sir Nicholas Stern, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and the entire Stop Climate Chaos coalition.
The reason, according to an accompanying press release, was that she'd posed topless in The Sun, covered in green paint, to highlight the issue of climate change. Next to a fetching shot was a series of energy-saving tips, such as: "Make love in the dark to save electricity."
And although many cynics saw the namecheck as a headline-grabbing stunt by a Tory leader desperate to court the Murdoch press, the girl herself turns out to be mustard-keen to underline her green credentials. Recently, she invited The Independent for cottage pie at a pub near her Docklands apartment, for a (faintly surreal) discussion about her tackling climate change.
First up, the owner of Britain's most famous cleavage revealed that she'd recently decided to get rid of her beloved gas-guzzler in favour of a eco-friendly, 50cc scooter. From now on, if she travels to modelling jobs, it's either two wheels, or public transport (a helmet can sometimes mess up her hair). "With the old car, I made myself aware of how unfriendly those cars are, and just thought there's no point having one," she says. "I don't have a family, I'm single, and there's just no need to drive around on my own with all that extra space."
She also buys local. "If I can get organic products, I always do. My friends think I'm mad, because I open the fridge and there's organic eggs, organic bacon. A lot of people say it tastes different. I don't notice that, but you feel fresher in yourself if you know it's organic."
Keeley lives in a brand new eco-friendly flat lit entirely by energy-saving lightbulbs, which she believes ought to be mandatory (as they are in Australia). One room is entirely illuminated - be still, my beating heart! - by hundreds of candles.
"I don't have any lights in my front room; just candles. There's none in the ceiling, and just three sockets in the side, which I keep empty. At night, all I have is the candlelight."
Compared with other glamour models, Keeley can also justifiably claim to be a walking embodiment of greener living. She was catapulted to fame after winning The Sun's Page Three Idol contest in 2005, and therefore adheres to that newspaper's strict rules governing the use of environmentally unfriendly silicone implants.
"To go on Page Three you've got to be natural. Some girls have to get a doctor's certificate saying they haven't had implants, but I've not been asked for that yet, as mine don't look suspicious."
Although Keeley is young, and (bizarrely) rather shy, she also has firm political beliefs that place her firmly at the blue end of the spectrum. "I'm a Conservative voter, and have always voted for them when I've had the chance," she says. "I am very interested in politics. It's not an obsession, and I couldn't sit here and quote manifestos or anything, but I do think the Tories have made a lot more effort on green issues than other parties.
"When I think of an environmental party, it's always got to be the Conservatives more than Labour. Or maybe the Green Party, of course, if they count. But I will be voting for Cameron next time round."
Keeley, by all accounts, endured a troubled adolescence before getting into modelling, and recently endured a nasty experience at the hands of an ex-boyfriend who posted a video of their bedroom antics on the internet (she declines to discuss this).
Like other former wrongdoers, she is firmly at the authoritarian end of the spectrum when it comes to fixing the planet. And although Cameron has yet to get in touch personally, you've a feeling that his liberal Tory-ism may not cut much ice should he pick up the phone.
"I recycle. It's a bit of an obsession. It should be compulsory, and people who don't do it ought to be punished," runs one stern outburst.
From a layman's perspective, it's easy to be facetious about a green glamour model, and it's easy to dismiss her as a gimmick. But as Tory strategists are well aware, it would also be a big mistake. Keeley has multiple fan clubs and the earning power of a global supermodel. Her 2007 calendar topped Amazon's pre-Christmas bestseller list for all "literature".
Like all cultural phenomena, she's more powerful than you thought, and her devotion to green causes seems to reflect a growing awareness of her power to change the world, as well as simply disrobing.
"I'm trying to communicate with The Sun's readership, and get them aware of saving the planet," she adds. "Some newspapers write about the environment all the time, but others don't."
So while Keeley may not, as far as we know, be on the minds of Al Gore, or Prince Charles, or Sir David Attenborough, her conversion to the cause will be mighty welcome. If the green lobby is to work, it must be a broad church; but if it can conquer Page Three it can probably conquer anything.
So is Keeley really and environmental hero? I say "yes". She's doing her part, as we all should be, to live her life in an eco-conscious way.