Man’s best friend is taking on a new title: wife. A man in India recently said ‘til death do us part with a female dog named Selvi in an act of redemption for stoning and hanging two dogs when he was a teenager. P. Selvakumar was advised that this was the only act that would cure the paralysis he has experienced since shortly after the incident, which is believed to be the reason for his disability.

I have so many questions that I’m not even sure where to begin. If someone out there is a fountain of knowledge in Hindu tradition, could you please explain to me the logistics of how marriage atones for murder? My brain just can’t seem to make that connection. Is it the commitment, or maybe the registry gifts? I’m not sure how a dog learns to operate a rice cooker, but I suppose there are times when animals seem smarter than some humans I know. Maybe I’m just not giving Selvi enough credit.

Speaking of logistics, are they required to consummate the marriage for it to be considered legal? For the record, I don’t want or need a play-by-play on the how-to of that question. Finally, is there a specified time you must remain husband and wife to meet the atonement requirements? I’m guessing Mr. Selvakumar is going to get pretty pissed when his bride licks herself in front of company one too many times. And what happens if he isn’t cured from his paralysis. Can he dissolve the union because Selvi didn’t hold up her end of the marital contract? You can probably rule out the option of marriage counseling to work out their differences, since there’s an obvious language barrier. For that matter, who represents her in divorce proceedings? Since she lacks opposable thumbs and oh yeah, the ability to reason because she’s a dog, does she simply bark twice in agreement rather than signing the divorce papers?

In other news, the couple was denied a honeymoon because Mrs. Selvakumar was unable to provide a legitimate passport and sniffed the crotch of an airport official while going through customs.

» The Sydney Morning Herald