It's difficult to imagine busting a gut over the topic of climate change, but some comedians are sure trying to make the whole global warming situation a little lighter. According to a few professional laugh-makers it's a sensitive subject that can be difficult to generate significant laughs from because poking fun at say, SUV drivers can come across as preachy. And as everyone knows, there's almost nothing in the world more awkward than the silence after someone tries to tell a joke that falls painfully flat.

Fortunately some professionals have still come up with some pretty amusing quips on the topic. Even though half of the fun is in the delivery, these still come across relatively well on paper computer screen. Read on for a good Friday evening giggle, or maybe even a slight guffaw.

Chris Rock: I hope that Live Earth ends global warming the same way Live Aid ended world poverty.

Robin Williams: Clean coal is a bit like wearing a porous condom - at least the intention was there.

Alan Carr: You know who they're blaming for global warming now, don't ya? Single people. Because we're in our house all on our on own using all that energy for ourselves. Sorry, everyone. Sorry, for being minging. I suppose they'll want to attach a wind turbine to my wanking arm.

Larry David: We [bald men] don't spend all our time shampooing and rinsing our hair. It's one of the many selfless acts we bald men perform every day to make our world a better place. The bald also don't have use for plastic combs, or no hair dryers either so that's gotta save on electricity. Come on. We have got to go bald - all of us. Walking around with a full head of hair is like driving an SUV or dumping toxic sludge into a river. It's irresponsible. Hey, you hair people, shame on you!

Marcus Brigstocke: So how many of you have low-energy light bulbs at home? Oh? So you're all like me, when you go in a room you spend the first few minutes in the dark, wondering what room you're in, then apologising 'cos you've pissed all over the duvet.

Jay Leno: NASA just released their new report on global warming or, as President Bush, calls it - Spring.

Bill Maher: If it solved global warming, would you give up the TV remote and go back to carting your fat ass over to the television set every time you wanted to change the channel. If that was the case in America, I think Americans would watch one channel forever.

» Guardian

Despite the mind-numbing pressure to go green these days, it's refreshing to see some would-be environmentalists can keep their sense of humor while admitting they're trying - and maybe not always succeeding - at making eco-friendly lifestyle choice. Take Australian comedian Mark Watson for example. His trepidation at being labeled as ingorant regarding all things earth-related inspired him to form a special group for people who shared his fears.

It came to my attention last year that I was not dealing very well with the impending destruction of Planet Earth. In spite of the enormous media coverage of green issues, I had done very little about my own carbon footprint, and didn't even have much of a grasp of the subject. If anything, the amount of hype around the topic only seemed to confuse me. There were so many contradictions. One minute some impressive figure like Al Gore would be telling me to switch lights off; the next, I would see the Spice Girls appearing at Live Earth, and think 'well, maybe the human race doesn't deserve anywhere to live.'

For some time I was shy about voicing this ill-informed position of mine, because the environment is one of those subjects on which ignorance often sounds like guilt. I felt that if I outed myself as a not-especially-green individual in these environmentally conscious days, it would be tantamount to admitting that I had cleared an area of Brazilian rain forest in order to stage a barbecue of endangered foods with ice sculptures flown over from Greenland. But in fact, when I began an organisation called Crap At The Environment to unite not-very-good environmentalists into moderate forms of action, the response was quite heartening. I began to think that most people are, in fact, not very good at finding time to be green, and immobilised by fear, doubt or embarrassment. See if you come into this category with this fun quiz.

HOW CRAP AT THE ENVIRONMENT ARE YOU?

You're on a plane waiting to take off. Which of these is closest to summarising your emotions?
A 'I'm pretty blase about this - I mean, I fly so often. I even flew to my son's school sports day though it's less than two minutes' walk away.'
B 'This is probably the only flight I'll take this year. Apart from the return leg, of course.'
C 'Reluctantly, I have climbed aboard this plane because my grandmother in West Virginia is critically ill, I am being presented with a Pulitzer tomorrow, and a part of the Golden Gate Bridge is being renamed after me in a ceremony on Thursday next. I am still only on this plane because I tried to swim across the Atlantic but ran out of lipids.'

Do you use non-A rated electrical appliances?
A 'I don't have a clue what you are talking about, but I hope you will stop soon.'
B 'Um, our oven is efficient I think. I remember Pamela saying something about how efficient it is. She might just have talking about how well it cooks flans and stuff. You should talk to Pamela I guess. She does most of the stuff with appliances.'
C 'I've had an efficiency check done on all my appliances, and I reduced a man in Dick Smith almost to tears by badgering him for a certificate.'

Do you leave your mobile phone charger plugged in, your TV on standby, all that kind of thing, overnight, or when you're out?
A 'Of course I do. This is 2008, mate. I suppose you'd rather we all listened to the radio and did cave paintings?'
B 'I have been known to, yes. I like the comforting sight of those little red lights when I'm trying to sleep. It's not been an easy couple of years.'
C 'No, and I threw my son out on the street for a 48-hour probation period after he repeatedly over-charged his Nokia.'

If you answered mostly Cs, you have no need to read any further; mostly As, you are a monster with no place in society. But the chances are your answers were closest to Bs: willing, good-humoured, but fairly incompetent. My aim has been to develop a watered-down form of environmentalism for people like you and myself.

Hit the jump to find out how Mark's half-hearted attempts led to a meeting with the Lean Green Machine himself, Al Gore.

» Sydney Morning Herald

Who ever said that being green meant you had to exchange your sense of humor for reusable shopping bags and a hybrid car? The creators of True Green Confessions seem to understand those profound words of Kermit the Frog: "It's not easy being green." True Green Confessions allows you to muse about all things eco-related, especially your struggles to live an earth-friendly lifestyle. Eating organic food but still driving a gas-guzzling SUV? Ditching the plastic water bottles but still eating fast food every night? Then this site is for you.

Enjoy some of the site's recent (and sometimes hilarious!) confessions below and then hit the jump to visit True Green Confessions to post your own.

there was bumper to bumper traffic today - I think everyone was going to the earth day festival at the park...this just seemed a little ironic.

Now that gas prices have been scaring off the softies I am finding great deals on the Tahoe with the package I like. Full size SUV here I come!

Argh! I spent lots of money on eco-friendly cat litter and my cats hate it! Now they are pooping on the floor instead of in the box. Grrrr!

Went to the store today, and they were "celebrating" Earth day with a big wheel you could spin to win prizes. The prizes were things like snacks in individual wrappers, gift cards to a gas station, and whole cases of bottled water. Um... what?!?!

Last week, I saw an SUV with those "family" stickers that showed the owners had SEVEN kids. Last night, I saw a show about a family with THIRTEEN kids. So this is my official declaration. I am NOT doing the green thing anymore. I am NOT going to make the sacrifices to leave YOUR kids a living planet, when you are obviously too selfish to do your part by controlling your fertility. Go ahead. Have all the kids you want, because in the world you are creating for them, they will have to eat each other each other to survive.

I never recycle. The closest I come is saving aluminum cans for 3 months and forgetting to turn them in so I just get irritated that they are in my way and I through them out.

"I live in Minnesota, so personally, I am really rooting for global warming. "

I am very liberal when it comes to my views on the environment and wildlife conservation, but very conservative on things like immigration and welfare. I need a hybrid party that wants to protect the environment but kick all the illegals out.

» True Green Confessions

» The Calgary Sun

Believe it or not, there are so-called advocacy groups out there calling for SUV's to be down-sized or even discontinued. This is serious. And I, as proud owner of an F-150 pickup, would strap myself to my windshield with dynamite taped to my chest, before I let the National Coalition of Hugo-driving Salad-eaters take my truck away. I enjoy being the biggest, baddest vehicle on the block, and if you can't see around my bumper in rush hour, then eat exhaust, buddy, or--if you feel real lucky--try road-raging my keester off the boulevard.

This is the kind of insight you'll find over at Net Monster in their Blather article on investigating the mentality of an SUV driver.  If you're an SUV driver, can you relate to the quote above?  Is the ego-boost alone worth driving an unnecessarily wasteful vehicle?

How about this:

"I want to drive a tank," Barbara T. says without shame. "I want my kids to learn to drive in a tank."... While an all-wheel-drive Subaru Legacy might do the job, Barbara says,"I wouldn't be caught dead driving a station wagon."

Even though a station wagon or minivan might be a more practical choice, does the social status of driving a big tank of a truck justify the 7,000 pound behemoth in your driveway?

Or how about this:

The fact is there is a responsible case to be made for driving SUVs. It can be summed up in three words: "This is America."

Americans like things big. Ours is a big country with a big-hearted people full of big dreams. The love of bigness, whether we are talking buildings, bosoms, meals or vehicles, is as American as apple pie.

It may be natural for your English persons or Italians to squeeze themselves into Mini-Minors or toy-sized Fiats, but an American in his own land must have room to expand behind the wheel if he or she is to visit giant shopping malls and stop for lunch at large all-you-can-eat buffets.

Is that what it really boils down to?  We can bitch about China burning coal but over here... well dammit we're Americans so we have the right to supersize everything, even our carbon footprints!

» Net Monster

From an Australian fundraising venture to find a cure for breast cancer.  What a creative and funny way to make use of an old bra!

Seeing this got me thinking about this time I was at my local garden shop years ago and was shocked at the outrageous prices they charged for faux Mexican and Chinese style outdoor planters.  One amazing thing about plants is that they don't care how expensive their containers are.  Just check out this awesome self-watering potting system made from recycled pop bottles!  Sure it looks like you're growing hydroponic marijuana, but maybe that'll add to your gardening street cred.

Hit the jump for more garden humour including the misadventures of garden gnomes and some very interesting hedgehog stories at David Hobson's Garden Humour!

» David Hobson's Garden Humour

Pinky's useful and educational "Composting 101" posts got me thinking that I must be able to contribute something on composting too... I can't let her have all the fun!

So I got to thinking.  Sure composting is great and all, but where's the sex appeal?  5 seconds later I found it in this great (and very funny) post from last summer on the Secondhand Nation blog called Composting Makes You Sexy!  I'll reproduce the first bit here, then hit the jump for the rest. :)

Composting sounds really boring, I know. So I am on a crusade to sexify it, since the tee vee tells me that sex sells.  I mean, how else do you explain the enduring success of David Hasselhoff? 

I decided that my compost bin needed a porn name.  So I rechristened her Backyard Betty. Oooh, sexxxxy! 

Backyard Betty, that sultry, curvy siren lurking behind the lilac bushes, a libidinous, voracious gal who hungers for rubbish!  I should sew her a bodice so she can tug at it while she shakes her lock-flap top at my neighbor Brandon's compost bin.  Brandon's bin is square - that's how you know it's a boy - and sits unblinking right next to several stalks of sweet corn and I don't know his name.  But whatever he's called, I'm sure he never misses Sunday services and parts his hair till it squeaks.  LOSER!

So with duds for prospects, I looked for some other stuff Backyard Betty could toss and turn with while waiting for me to occasionally spray her with the hose. 

Shockingly, I made the scandalous discovery that dryer lint and vacuum cleaner bag contents are no longer recommended for composting.  Naughty!  Clothing with synthetic content creates lint that is not readily biodegradable and the same is true for vacuum cleaners used on synthetic carpets.   Another reason to line-dry and hate carpet! 

Okay, I don't hate carpet.  Carpet is fine! Except for sculptured carpet.  Sculptured carpet can piss off. 

Back to the sex.  Compost = Sex.  Boobies!  Butts!  Sex!  SEX SEX SEX!

Ever wonder what those all those bugs are doing in all that moist, juicy yard waste? Well, they're having lots of ooshy, gooshy SEX!   No, really!  After they eat all the grody bacteria and things break down into gases and um, other stuff happens, they probably lay some eggs or scatter their milt or something.  I assure you, what's going down under that lid is HOTTTT!

So, now that you've been assured that maintaining a hot, sexy compost bin is the only way you'll find happiness and contentment in life, go put on your terry cloth tube top or your Speedo (or both) and check out this nicely color-coded list of other things besides yard waste and kitchen scraps that you can compost.  ROWRRRRR!

Hit the jump for the list and some link to other great composting resources.

» Secondhand Nation

Every day we check for new stories you guys have sent in and we've seen it all: strange sex stories, scary religious rants, threats and weird half-formed blurbs.  Don't get me wrong: we get lots of great stories as well, but sometimes we receive something that can only be described as an epic fail.

Take this wonderful eco-story from Shakeel Shaikh for example:

When i have sex with my wife, my water come fast after 5 - 10 seconds, can u help me to increase the sex power

No Shakeel, I don't think we can help you out there. 

If you're a blogger, a business, or just a regular person with an eco-friendly story to share we would love to feature it on Ecollo.  It's a great way to get extra exposure for your blog, share your opinion or let people know about a cool eco-friendly product.  Hit the jump to send us your story.

» Send Us a Story

As the population on earth continues to grow rapidly and talk of the impact global warming will have on future generations increases, Virgin founder Richard Branson and Google co-founders Larry Page and Sergey Brin have had enough and decided to take matters into their own hands.

The three businessmen (not to be confused with the three wisemen) have collaborated to develop Project Virgle, which they have also labeled "Plan B." In 2014, the pioneers plan to take some loyal followers and travel to Mars to form the first permanent human colony on the planet.

The organizers claim that "your life might be extinguished in a fiery instant of catastrophic technological malfunction. But your enriched descendants will appreciate your sacrifice, which should render worthwhile your choice to spend the rest of your (perhaps radically foreshortened) life in deprivation and uncertainty."

Hit the jump to take a quiz that will "test your Pioneering potential" and learn more about Project Virgle, including some job postings and how you can sign up to be one of the settlers in this new civilization.

Experts meanwhile are denouncing the idea that life on Mars offers a legitimate solution to the aforementioned global issues, pointing out the once Branson and his grossly inflated ego take up residence in the new colony, there will be little room for anyone or anything else.

» Google

A group of previously unknown researchers stunned the medical community today by announcing they had discovered that smoking cures diabetes. The group from the Universidad Tontos de Abril has been conducting research on diabetic gophers for the past two years. Their findings suggest that the gophers who abstain from smoking endure diabetic complications such as obesity, thirst, and dizziness, yet the gophers who light up spend their time frolicking about, playing games, building sand structures, and listening to jazz in dark clubs. 

“We realize that some people may be shocked by these results,” said head researcher Dr. Joe Camel. “However, the gophers that smoke are clearly enjoying life to the fullest. We have even nicknamed their habitat ‘Flavour Country’.”

Other groups of physicians were quick to condemn the study calling it foolish.

» Mexican Medical Journal